You Don’t Have to Be Stuck With a Name You Hate – Our Name Change Story

In July of 2012 we took a ten hour road trip.  That ten hour drive makes for a lot of time to talk.  My wife, Dream, and I were happily chatting away when one of us mentioned the idea of changing our last name.  Our last name is often misspelled, often mispronounced, and is easily mocked and made fun of.  She asked, “Would you do it?”

For her, it was an easy decision as she had already changed her last name when we were married.  For a man to change his name is a bigger deal.  It seems silly that it’s a big deal, but there is a long history of the man’s name being passed on to his sons.  Maybe at some point in history this passing on of the family name served a purpose, but in today’s world it doesn’t.  I pondered her question very briefly and said, “Yes, I would be willing to change our last name.”

We ignored all the details of how to do it and immediately began trying on new last names.  A road trip turned out to be a good time to do this.  We took words and names from every sign we passed on the interstate and tried them out as last names.  We laughed at some of the crazy names we came up with, with names like Horsestamp from a street sign and Ogeechee from a river.  Along the way we even found a few solid contenders.  Names like Best from a Best Western sign and Apple from an Applebee’s sign.

The name change stayed on our mind for the entire week we were on vacation.  When we returned home I started to do some research to see what actually went into changing our name.  I found that we needed to fill out a form, turn it in at the courthouse, pay a fee, get fingerprinted for a background check, and have a hearing in front of a judge.

It sounded like a lot to do, but not so much that it would deter us.  I had trouble finding the right form at first.  Most websites that direct you to name change forms point you to the form for a single person to change a name.  We needed to change the name for our whole family.  I didn’t realize this until I printed out a couple of the wrong forms.  (For reference, anyone changing a family name in Florida can use Form 12.982(f).

I finally got the right form printed out and then we stalled.  The form was long and needed lots of dates and addresses that we’d have to search for.  The effort required to fill out the form along with the overwhelm of all the stuff that came after the form and some lingering doubt and fear caused us to do nothing for the next six months.

During that time, Dream would occasionally ask me, “Are we still changing our name?  When are you going to get the forms filled out?”  I would assure her that we were still changing our name and that I’d get around to it.

Finally in December of 2012 I abated all my fears and doubts and sat down to fill out the form.  I got a lot of it filled out, but got stuck on a few items.  The form asked for the dates and addresses of every place we had lived SINCE BIRTH.  Wow… I had no clue where to find those things.  More overwhelm creeped in and caused another month of inaction.

In January of 2013 I was determined (and highly pressured by Dream) to get off my lazy butt and figure this out.  We were able to get one of our past addresses from our credit report.  This was a free report from AnnualCreditReport.com.  It was missing the apartment number, but I ended up remembering it.  We did a Google map of our first apartment and found the address, but again lacked the apartment number.  We decided to move ahead without the apartment number and hoped it wouldn’t matter.

We got stuck on our second apartment and couldn’t find the address anywhere.  We were only in this apartment for one year, and that was about 13 years ago so we couldn’t even remember the exact location of our building.  We left it blank and moved on.

We also needed to list every place we had worked, including address and phone number for the past ten years.  This wasn’t too bad, but I had to do a little digging to find the addresses and phone numbers.

As we were looking through the additional documents we’d need to bring (marriage license and birth certificates) we found our first apartment address, including apartment number, on our marriage license.  Then we found some more documents with our other addresses.  Finally we were able to complete the paperwork.

The next step was a trip to the courthouse to file the paperwork and pay the fee.  We went to the clerk of the court for family matters.  They told us that we had to see the family case manager’s office first for them to review the paperwork.  We headed down the hall and saw the family case manager.  She asked us to make a couple of changes to the form and then notarized it.

From there it was back to the clerk of the court to file the paperwork and pay the $400 fee.  The next step was to get fingerprinted for background checks.  It was getting near the end of the workday, so we did the fingerprints the following week.  We were working in as much as possible on my days off, so that dictated the timing on some of these things.

After getting fingerprinted we had to wait for them to be processed and reported to the clerk of the court.  We didn’t hear anything for three weeks, and then a letter arrived that said they still needed our fingerprints.  I made a couple of phone calls and found that my fingerprint and background check was missing, that the fingerprint office had indeed sent them in, and that the clerk of the court finally found them.

The next letter I received was one saying they needed our daughter’s birth certificate.  Too bad they hadn’t mentioned that in the first letter as we could have saved some time.  I made a copy and mailed it in.  I also made a copy of our marriage license and stuffed that in the envelope too, just in case they needed it and were planning to send another letter.

Finally after another week and a half we got a letter announcing our court date. It was about three week out, and Dream and I both requested time off for the big day.

About this time Dream started getting worried.  “Are we making the right decision?  Should we still do it?”  It looks like my worry happened early and hers came later.  I reassured her and we waited for our court date to arrive.

That day was April 3, and we were instructed to arrive 7:30am with an 8am court time.  There were a few people waiting outside the courtroom when we arrived and several more arrived soon after.  We discovered that this court was for name changes and uncontested divorces.  Most of the people waiting were there for divorce.

It made for an interesting morning of people watching, seeing the dynamics of couples that no longer wanted to be together.  I felt a little sad for all the marriages that didn’t work out.  I decided that I should try to feel happy despite the gloom, because the bright side of things was that these people could soon move on with their lives.

Everyone was called in as a group around 8:15, and we were given instructions on how to act in the courtroom.  He also said we needed to be prepared with a valid reason for the divorce or name change.  I found it very interesting that in the case of divorce “irreconcilable differences” is not a valid reason, nor is “we are not in love anymore.”  He gave a couple of good reasons as being infidelity or living separately for an extended period of time.  He didn’t give any advice on name changes and I got a little worried as I tried to think of valid excuses.

We all filed out of the courtroom and the judge began calling individual cases.  There were three divorce cases before us and we were finally called in around 9:00.  It turned out my worry about a valid excuse for name change was unwarranted, as the judge said, “I can see why you’d want to change your name, so I’m not even going to ask why.”  The judge was very friendly and made the experience very pleasant.

He approved our name change and mentioned that was his first approval of the day.  Apparently the divorces that went before us were declined.  I had no idea it was so hard to divorce.

We happily made our way to the clerk of the court to pick up our final judgment.

We finally have our new last name!

The next step is to change our name EVERYWHERE.  The judge told us that we needed to change our driver’s license within ten days, so we headed to the driver’s license office next.  It turns out that you actually need to update your social security card before you update your driver’s license.  Dream went to the social security office yesterday and did hers.  I left early from work on Friday to do mine.  They are only open until 3:00, so it’s hard to fit that in without some time off from work.

After changing it at the social security office we have to wait 48 hours for it to get updated in the computer system and then we can go down and change our driver’s licenses.  We’re planning to do that later this week.

Then we start the process of changing it everywhere else.  At work, landlord, utilities, insurance, Ting cell phones, Faith’s school, Facebook (which we already did), email accounts, and probably a million other places I’m not thinking of.

For anyone out there that is thinking about doing this, I’m here to tell you that it can be done, and it can be done without hiring an expense lawyer.  During the process I started hearing from friends that had stories of someone they knew changing their last names.  I had never known anyone that had done it so the additional stories were reassuring, and I hope our story is reassuring to you.

Do you know anyone that has changed their last name?  Have you done it?  Are you considering it?  I’d love to hear your stories in the comments section below.

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Comments

  1. Sarah says

    Interesting… We had toyed with changing our last name. My husband’s mom is adopted and he doesn’t know his father so the last name we use has no family history to it for us and to be honest, we don’t really like most members of his family. Before getting married, we discussed using my last name as the family name because it has a strong heritage and we like my family, but it wasn’t a serious conversation. Now, 10 years later, it has come up in conversation again. My biggest concern would be hurting my husband’s family. Did your family express disappointment that you were changing your last name? How did your daughter handle it?

    • says

      Hi Sarah,
      Sounds like a name change is worth considering in your case. One of my wife’s cousins made a comment that choosing your own family name is “a beautiful expression of creating your own family.” I like how that sounded and I think there is truth to it.

      We haven’t told my family yet. We have a toxic grandparent saga going on at the moment, you can read through the blog history if you’d like to know more about that. That didn’t play any part in the name change though. We’ll be seeing my mother tomorrow, so that’s when we’ll tell her. I think my family may think we are slightly crazy by after all the big changes we’ve been making in our life.

      Our daughter is happy with the change. She actually started writing the new last name on her school papers before we finished the change.

      When it comes down to it, you have to do what’s best for you and your immediate family. For us, we never liked our last name, and after years of living with it realized that we don’t have to have a name we don’t like.

  2. Laura says

    Since birth??? Seriously? How can that be legal? (rhetorical question). For me, it would be easier to move to another state than do that. For many people, it would be simply impossible. Which would prevent them from doing it. Hence the thoughts about the legality of this requirement. Oh well, what do I know. I am currently going through a non-marriage-related name change in a far simpler-minded state, however. In Texas you do have to have lived there for a certain amount of time, but aside from that you just pay a fee, go to court, and they give you the order. In my current state there is another loophole, but again if you have the money(another barrier for some people, of course) it shouldn’t be too hard.

    • says

      Yep, since birth… it’s crazy. I’m not sure what they do if you can’t remember everything. It seems like they try to weed people out with their in-depth form.

  3. Laura says

    Oh and i firmly believe there needs to be a major cultural shift away from the idea that a woman must change her name to the man’s on marriage. Thankfully I married a man who thinks the same way. I’m very glad that there is another family in the world who feels this way.

    We are now about to have our first child and wondering what name to use. Thankfully it’s an egalitarian and respectful conversation there too. Neither of us are insisting or overly concerned. I think we will literally pick a first name and see which one sounds best with it. My husband is actually concerned that in today’s extremely Googleable world, my more common name might be better for our child. You can look him up easily and find where he lives, for example. But not me :-) If I had his name, in my job I would feel rather nervous about that.

    • says

      I feel the same way, I’m not sure why society dictates the woman takes the man’s name. Well, I know why historically, but we live in a different world now, where women are no longer subservient to men. In a world where men and women are equal, why is it still so common for a woman to take the man’s name?

      Are you considering taking a completely new last name, or are you choosing between yours and your husband’s last name?

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